Recently, I had an old friend tell me that he had noticed that I had dropped my married last name and how I was feeling or if I needed to talk. My response was simple, “No, God has put me in a place of isolation so that he can mold me.” His gesture seemed to be very sincere and thoughtful however there are others watching me to see how I will react or handle certain situations. I have lost a lot in the past couple of years and many times I felt like I would break but God continues to remind me that I was made to bend but not break.
Isolation is a part of life and in many instances it is necessary for clarity. When one is taken out of toxic situation that has hinders growth, isolation can be the difference between life and death.
Then a voice came from heaven, “You are My beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.” And immediately the Spirit drove Him into the wilderness.
Mark 1:11-12
Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil.
Matthew 4:1
Let me clarify, life and death can mean several things; physical, emotional and spiritual. In my case it was never physically it was more emotionally and spiritually. Sometimes you have to be removed from distractions to be elevated by God. When it is time he will force you into a place where you can build an intimate relationship with him. Honestly, it is not an easy place to be. You just want to reach out to someone and say just listen; most of the time when you do people look at you like you are speaking a different language.
After shouting listen for so long I realized that it was time to be silent. I began to hold everything in and only shared my pain with God. In the beginning it was so hard because I was just holding everything in and not praying. I would find ways to hide my tears, like in the shower or only late, late at night when everyone around me was asleep. Sometimes I would wait until my husband left for work so that I was completely alone and just scream at the top of my lungs. I began to get angry; I would ask God why me? I looked at family friends frienemies even strangers around me and wondered why it is so easy for them? Why was she able to have children? Why is his/her career going so perfectly? How did they get that house? Why does no one understand me? Why am I trying so hard yet it never feels good enough.
Finally, I had to be completely honest with myself but mostly with him. He already knows but by confessing with your tongue and praying without cease is the only way that God will move mountains on your behalf.
I grew up in a praying household but my relationship with God was lacking to say the least. I was like other hypocrites who only asked God for things when I need it. I never just willingly gave him my time or money. As I began to grow and mature I began to give more time and find myself in him. Then as if turning off lights in a home, God started to cut off avenues to me. Then He taught me how to BE THANKFUL, WORSHIP and PRAY. First I would sit and meditate (clear my mind, read scriptures and allow the spirit speak to me) but it never quit left me full. Then I began to get on my knees to pray but still I was never quit full. Finally when I laid down and completely submitted to him, I was fed.
His isolation is a place of beauty; instead of fight against the wave, I’ve been riding it. I find myself being comfortable in silence. Now when I talk to friends and family I don’t need their reassurance because I am at peace. I don’t allow other’s foolishness to upset me either because they have no power over me. Still it is not easy because I have good and bad day but my good days outweigh my bad days. In this period of isolation God has taught me more about myself then I could ever learn alone.
Therefore I do not mind being isolated with God…
B’Plush
B' Plush 